Crossing the river Jordan

As I walk away from the battle without trust, I walk away from the fight with my head down. I gave up, put my cross down and quit.

I am enduring life without any answers to prayers. When that happens, it makes it difficult to stand by my Lord and say that I am trusting Him with being my provider.

-I have not worked in more that 16 months. There are jobs that I have applied for, but I still stand unemployed.
-My wife and I are nothing but enemies, conducting warfare based on our own hearts.
-I hold onto resentment of where I stand in this society, a dead beat husband and person with no source of income.
-All I do is lay here to be belittled by those around me, going from house to house- of which I am just a guest, so I must show -respect according to their rule.

But, I guess I still had intent in going to church. I guess I still have a God given interest in what is pertinent to seeking victory in my life. Thus, God has opened my eyes to the book of Esther. I will see the correlation of what I am going through at this very moment and in recent past. He has only shown me a glimmer in church and given me an interest in learning what Esther went through and .... perhaps see what God is doing in my life.

As I hear, that Esther does not acknowledge God in this book. But, rather, the book depicts trials of life that God is working in the background. That is the same thing that is happening in my life. There is no sign of God in my life. No answered prayers, no employment, no reconciliation with my wife, no income.

But, what is God doing in my life right now?

This morning, my mother relayed that we are to pick up our cross. Well, I went back into my room and picked up my cross, that I so distastefully let go, from my dresser. God said, HEY, I NEED YOU TO PICK UP YOUR CROSS AND CARRY ON, so I did.

Now, today, I will go back to Jeanne's house (I also picked up my ring and put it on in faith that God will reconcile our marriage) to care for her uncle for about a month. Sooooooo, out of faith, I will go and see if God is going to bless us. I will go on the path that God is preparing before me, expecting Him to move in our lives. Though I have vowed that I would not go back to her unless she surrendered her life to Jesus.

So, as the Lord has set forth an adventure, I will cross the river Jordan. Trusting His lead and relying on the teachings that I have been given.